My Story: Belonging

I remember sitting in a café meeting a group friends.  A new guy was coming to join us for a drink.  He strode in, sat down, smiled to the person next to him and chatted away.  His confidence was magnetic.  At the time I just assumed he was one of the 'in crowd' and that's why he seemed to be at ease with himself.  Actually he was new to my city and this was his first time meeting people in our group.  I was flummoxed.  How did he seem to 'belong' to our group so quickly and not really worry about his first impression.  I think his secret lay with his ability to act out of love, not a fear of rejection.

Belonging is one of our most basic needs.  Noted by Maslow (1943) in his hierarchy of needs he defines belonging as our need for relationships, intimacy, and acceptance.  He states that our feeling or level of belonging is often heavily influenced by our feelings about family and friendships.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

A psychological framework can provide the opportunity to recreate belonging and attachment using cognitive psychological  tools and talk therapy.  Teaching yourself to 'think' correctly and understand that belonging starts with accepting yourself, springboards you past feelings of rejection and alienation.

A foundation of self acceptance empowers the 'thinking' you need when those around you don't recognise your talents, abilities or positive character traits, so you can move on to people who will.  Children that first learn to accept their own uniqueness - in a way they learn to 'belong' to themselves - are less likely to go on to suffer from rejection, depression or people pleasing.

Newspaper headlines are filled with sensationalised stories about young people who are labelled 'at-risk' and 'troubled teens' who join gang life and often commit initiation crimes to find acceptance among peers.  For some gang life is no different to fundamentalist cultural groups that provide a sense of identity, acceptance and belonging.  

We all have a need for belonging; however, we don't always experience the desired attachment in our early years.  Allowing ourselves to heal from early feelings of rejection or abandonment from our biological family, or feelings of distance from family in challenging teenage years, provides a sense of hope and self esteem.  Giving yourself permission to belong, rather than wait for those around you to accept you, means you are more likely to be present in relationships and enjoy strong relational experiences.

No person can make real choices until his or her mind has access to real alternatives - David Riddell

The seed of belonging germinates in our thinking.  It is born out of greater self awareness and is enacted through relationships.  Young people that believe it is okay to be rejected by peers or be different from their friends often go on attract people who respect and love them.  These teens create good attachments and avoid filling the void with co-dependent relationships and addiction.  Belonging is often more about how we 'choose' to belong, or motivate ourselves to join and commit to peer groups and be with people.  A sense of belonging will eventually be the foundation for self actualisation and self-fulfilment.

[1.] Maslow, A. H. (1943).  The Theory of Human Motivation. Psychological Review